Violet Hill
by bluedenimdress
Summary: "I was feeling a pang of hopelessness trying to push tears out of my eyes. My extremities ached with the urge to break things, to find a way to get this pain out of me, to destroy something beautiful for the sake of disrupting everyone else's ennui at the height of my sorrow. Instead, I grabbed Hancock's face with both hands and pulled him into a kiss."
1. White Shadows

This is the very personal, based-on-a-true-story (in more ways than one) version of how on my second playthrough, I was determined to do things differently

But couldn't.

* * *

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, time out. Someone steps through the gate the first time, they're a guest. You lay off that extortion crap."

"What do you care?" The thug instantly forgot about Preston and me, turning to the costumed ghoul. "She ain't one of us."

"No love for your mayor, Finn? I said let her go."

"You're soft, Hancock. You keep letting outsiders walk all over us, one day there'll be a new mayor."

They could have been dropping the bombs again in World War IV right then, and I still wouldn't have taken my eyes off the two in front of me.

"Come on, man. This is me we're talking about. Let me tell you something…" Before I even saw the knife, my blood was already pumping. Not in the kind of anticipation you might think, but in borderline arousal…

And then he stabbed him.

I was utterly turned on, but having lost my husband so recently, I was unwilling to admit it, even to myself. I had no idea who this ghoul was. In fact, I had not seen too many of them at that point that weren't feral. And there was no way he knew anything about me, but he just stabbed a guy…

For me.

And I saw the whole thing. He and I had a quick conversation after that, but I was so smitten by his actions at the front gate that I can't even recall what was said. I was just in total awe.

He was gone when I returned to reality. Shaking it off, the prewar conformist side of my brain pointed out to me how grotesque his physical appearance was, and the pragmatic side of me agreed, reminding me that the only reason Nate's body was even cold right now was because of cryogenesis.

"Uh, General?"

I forced myself to focus on the Minuteman standing beside me. "Yes?"

"We're still here to find out about your son, aren't we?"

"Yeah…yeah… Let's go."

After getting the information we came for, we stepped out of the Memory Den, and Preston started talking about plans to head to a nearby settlement.

"Preston, I promise you, I am not trying to be selfish, but I spend a great deal of time getting sidetracked from my search for Shaun helping the Minutemen out, and…what I just witnessed back there in the Memory Den was a little overwhelming. I'd really rather sit this one out. You'll forgive me, won't you?"

"It's, uh…It's not in trouble or anything. I just think it would be…safer…if we didn't spend the night in this town. It seems a little…rough."

 _That's putting it lightly._ "Yeah, but it's rough out in the wastes, too. At least this place is protected by a mayor with the balls to get shit done."

He winced a little. "It's not that I don't see your point, but I'd really feel better about it if we stayed there. It's not necessary to stay here when there's a Minuteman settlement around the corner."

 _Necessary, no. But somehow appealing_. "Nonsense, Preston. I'm already here. I'm going to have a few drinks and crash." Notice I said _I_ and not _we_. I was giving him an out. "You can meet me back at Sanctuary."

And then he surprised me. "Okay, General. If this is where you want to stay, we'll stay here. I wouldn't feel good about leaving you here on your own."

I couldn't help feeling like that wasn't supposed to happen.

* * *

Preston and I had a few drinks at the Third Rail. I had drunk with him before in our travels, but usually it was just at our campsite. We never drank that much so we could keep our senses about us. This was the first time I think I had ever seen him drunk.

And it was the first time I had been really drunk since I left the vault. I had a lot on my mind. Nothing new. Just the usual my-husband-was-shot-in-front-of-me-by-agents-from-some-mysterious-agency and they-kidnapped-my-son-as-part-of-their-huge-scheme troubles. You know the kind. I had been successfully resisting giving in to the dark places that those woes tried to take me by focusing on tracking Shaun down and helping the Minutemen out, so there hadn't been any room for me to dwell on it, much less get shit-faced.

I think I would have fallen apart halfway into my bottle of bourbon that night if I didn't have Goodneighbor's charismatic leader on my mind as well. While Preston was pouring his heart out to me about his hopes and dreams, I couldn't help glancing around every now and then to see if the mayor was frequenting the same bar as us by chance. I never saw him, though.

I was taking another idle glance over my shoulder when Preston suddenly grabbed my hand. I whipped my head around to meet his gaze and noticed he had some extra color to his cheeks as he grinned hard enough to squint.

"Helena, I am so glad I found you. Or you found me, really. When you came along…That was one of the darkest times of my life, and I thought all hope was lost, but you showed me… You showed me there is still good left in this world and we can't give up on it. There's still hope for the Commonwealth, and thanks to you, the Minutemen may be the ones to save it. You really care about others. You're making a big difference in this world."

I gently withdrew my hand and smiled at him. "It's not just me, Preston. A lot of that is because of you. You've shown me how to be a better person."

He managed to smile even harder. "You're not just making a difference in this world, Helena." He swayed forward with all the lack of grace you get when you've hit the bottle too hard. "You're making a difference in mine."

I think I knew where he was going with that. I straightened his militia hat out for him. "Preston, dear, you are one the kindest, sweetest people I have ever met, but you have managed to surpass me in my drunkenness this evening. While I do find that in and of itself impressive, I think we should have this conversation some other time, amigo."

"Once again, General… You're right." He looked a little dejected as he leaned back in his chair with some effort, but he smiled again once he found his center of balance. "You're always right."

I returned his smile. "That's exactly what every woman wants to hear, whether or not it's true." I threw some caps down on the table and stood up, reaching for his arm. "C'mon, Casanova. Let's find you a bed so you can sleep it off, huh?"

As I half guided him, half leaned on him in my own mutual instability, we clumsily made our way through Goodneighbor's dark streets towards the Hotel Rexford. On the way, I caught a glimpse of that elusive ghoul I had been on lookout for all night. He was hanging back in the shadows, his unconventional features harshly outlined by the streetlights' glow that just barely touched him like butterfly kisses. I watched with unintentional and unsubtle scrutiny as we passed him and he took a casual hit of jet.

Acknowledging my stare, he gave me a cocky smirk. "See something you like?"

I quickly averted my eyes back to our intended path.

* * *

The next morning, I tried to rouse Preston as mildly as I could out of respect for the killer hangover he was probably suffering.

He groaned pathetically as he rolled over to face me standing over him. "General… I am so, so sorry. I had way too much to drink last night."

"Hey, don't be. You didn't do anything wrong."

He was reaching for his hat. "That's not like me…"

"I know, Preston. But even 'drunk you' was a total sweetheart, so don't sweat it, alright?"

I used our crippling hangovers as an excuse not to leave Goodneighbor right away, and since Preston was physically feeling worse than I was, he didn't put up much resistance. He followed me while I piddled around town, seeing what there was to do around there.

 _In recollection, all this feels redundant._

The short version: I accepted a job offer from a ghoul in town named Bobbi, and that's how I finally got facetime with Mayor John Hancock. We chatted for a while. He expressed his gratitude for the way I handled things with Bobbi and offered me some caps.

I reached for the bag of caps and tried to hide a shudder as his rough, blemished hand grazed mine.

I found the whole ghoul thing off-putting, but the fact that I was still drawn to him despite that intrigued me. After some more breeze-shooting, I found myself putting offers on the table I had not given myself permission to even think about. "Why don't you come with me?"

Preston shot me the most confounded look I had ever seen from him as Hancock replied, "Alright. I think that's just the thing I need."

"Are you sure you can just leave?" Preston blurted out. "I mean, since you're the mayor?"

"Ah, I've done it before. It keeps me honest. Let me just say a few words to my people."

As Hancock disappeared onto the State House's balcony, Preston pulled me aside, stopping me from following. "Why did you ask him to come with us?"

"I told you before. I'm really impressed with the way he jumps right in to take care of business. The Minutemen could use an alliance with someone like that. Look, he already successfully leads a whole town and has them eating out of the palm of his hand. With him on our side, we just gained an entire community worth of support."

Preston looked down at the floor, avoiding my eyes as he replied, "I don't know if having his kind of support is really all that good for the Minutemen."

"Don't be silly, Preston. Any support is good for the Minutemen. They're almost extinct. Besides, the people here aren't that bad. They're just products of their environment. That sort of gruffness is what it takes to survive in this world."

"You're the General," he replied reluctantly.

And so, the three of us took off across the Commonwealth.

* * *

That night, we took out a raider camp and settled into their set up for the night. Hancock's fighting style was different from the routine Preston and I had established, but, in perfect alignment with my expectations, he got shit done, so I wasn't really complaining.

While Preston thoughtfully offered to prepare dinner for us, I sat down at a table with our new companion and talked, the two of us getting to know each other better. I asked him why he so readily agreed to leave his town behind to come with us, and he gave me a fantastical explanation that was unflattering towards me. Surprisingly, I still found it magnetic. There was a sort of beauty in the way there was no lying in him, and I appreciated it.

After seeing me light a cigarette, he lit one of his own. "And all that stuff I said about needing to get away from Goodneighbor is true," he added. "When you showed up, it seemed like the perfect time to act on that."

He exhaled a column of smoke through the hole in the center of his face. It danced up the divots in his cheeks, clinging to the tips of his tricorn hat in thin streams before dissipating into the air. "A better question would be why did you want me to go with you so badly? Most people aren't that enthusiastic about picking up a third wheel."

"Oh, no, Preston and I –" I didn't realize that things between the Minuteman and me came off that way to outsiders. "Preston and I are just friends." I looked over my shoulder in confirmation that he was still following our conversation. "Really, really good friends."

A ball of smoke puffed out and swirled in an inward spiral on itself as he let out a sudden chuckle. "Sure, sister. Just friends. Say no more."

I knew it wouldn't do any good to follow up on his snide remark, so I let it go.

"Regardless of your current relationship status, something still ain't adding up for me. Why were you so eager about traveling with a ghoul when you so obviously are repulsed by us?"

"What?! No, I-" He had managed to fluster me within successive breathes. I couldn't help feeling like it was on purpose.

"You don't have to do that." His hand made a wide wave in time with his words, and my eyes were drawn to the glowing orange trails his cigarette drew in the dim light. "Ain't like I'm angling for anything, but I wanted you to know, you ain't very good at hiding it."

"It's not like that –"

Preston chose this moment to jump in. "Hancock, that's not very fair of you. If she really had a problem with ghouls she wouldn't have asked you to come with us in the first place." He joined us at the table, bringing with him the meal he had thrown together. "You'll see for yourself in time. She's not like that. You don't know her story, but things have been rough for her, and she doesn't deserve to be hassled."

"We've all had it rough, Preston," he remarked as he snuffed out his cigarette. "But I ain't saying that to downplay her struggle in any way." He turned to me with a strikingly sincere smile. "If you wouldn't mind telling me, I'd actually very much like to hear your story."

So I explained to him everything that happened in the vault. Nate… Shaun… "All I could do was watch. I fell back under again and when I finally escaped, they were gone – my son, the kidnappers and murderers..." I had to pause for a moment to regroup. I had been pushing those memories out of my head as hard as I could since I had left the vault, and revisiting them was making the hairs on my arms stand up.

Preston came closer to me, putting an arm over my shoulder. In that vulnerable moment, I started to get overwhelmed by the gesture, and a flood of emotions washed over me. I let out an involuntary sob, and in reaction, he put his other arm around me and held me. I could feel the tears welling up as I buried my head in his chest. I hadn't cried yet, and I wasn't going to start now. I got up from the table and excused myself, going to my designated sleeping bag with the two men looking after me in stunned silence.

They talked among themselves for a few minutes, but I couldn't hear what was being said while lying face down with the sleeping bag over my head. I was trying to beat the cry. _That's not who you are, Helena. You're not going to cry._

Around the same time I was swallowing the lump in my throat once and for all, I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Hey…" Preston's gentle voice addressed me. "I know you probably want to be left alone but…"

I turned over and pulled enough of the sleeping bag down to show my face.

"Helena." His eyes got wide when he saw me. "Are you okay?"

I forced a smile. "I'm fine. I promise."

He awkwardly motioned behind him where Hancock was still seated with his back to us, his feet propped up on the table. "If you want me to go back to the table, just say so."

"No, no, I'm glad you're here."

"Really?"

"Of course. Why would I lie about that?"

"I just…I don't want to intrude, but I'm concerned and…Well…Hancock insisted I should come check on you."

My smile was less forced now. "I'm glad you did." I sat up and gave him a hug. "I'll be fine. Don't worry so much, Preston. You're going to give yourself an ulcer." There was something so pure in his genuine concern that I no longer felt like the vulnerable one. He needed someone to care for him more than I did. "Thank you, Preston. I'm going to go to sleep for real this time, okay?" I gave him a peck on the cheek. "Everything is going to look better in the morning for all of us."

He had this shocked look on his face as he watched me tuck myself back in. I reveled in the satisfaction on how that tiny bit of affection affected him so much as I drifted to sleep. He deserved it. He was a good guy.

* * *

Our trio stuck it out for a long while, doing the Minutemen's work. We made a good team when it came to fighting it out with the villains of the wasteland. And all three of us had the same common ideas of what was fair for the people, so we were always in agreeance when it came to dealing justice. The rest of the time when we would endure just long stretches of walking between destinations, they both had different assets to bring to the downtime. Preston had all these idealistic, profound thoughts to share, while Hancock would always engage me in witty banter. I soon learned that he was kind of a slut and I enjoyed giving him shit about it.

One day, when we had returned to Sanctuary for a rest and to drop off all the loot I had been making us lug around, Preston caught me alone to talk to me. "I'm sure you don't need me to keep telling you how much it means to me that you have become so dedicated to the Minutemen."

I don't even think he realized how instinctively close he would stand when talking to me these days. I drew attention to it by fingering the edges of his duster. "You don't have to keep saying it, Preston," I said with a sly grin. "I already know."

He looked down at my busy digits and reached for them, stopping my idle fidgeting and holding our hands together between us. "I have something else to add to that, though…General," he said in a quiet, unconfident tone.

I held my breath in anticipation of his next words.

"I feel like you have been procrastinating finding Shaun."

I let the air out. That wasn't what I was expecting. "Maybe…a little…I still have some reservations about what I'm going to find when I do find him." I dropped my hands to my sides and looked past him. "I'm scared he's not going to be accepting of a stranger trying to force him into a parent-child relationship. He doesn't know me…and I don't know him. And even if he is accepting of it, what kind of life can I even give him out here?" I said, throwing my arms outward. "Killing everyday, struggling to get by, farming dirt. It's more than a little rough."

"Helena, I know this life isn't easy for anyone, especially someone who knew it when it was a bit…cleaner. But if he really is in the Institute, you have to get him back. Even if they are treating him well, the ideas they must be putting in his head can't be good for him. They are pure evil. You owe it to him to protect him from that."

I silently mulled his words over for a moment and concluded my thoughts with an exasperated sigh. "You're absolutely right." I looked back into his shimmering amber eyes. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Preston. You keep my head on straight."

"I know what you mean." He smiled. "I've got someone like that in my life, too."

The next morning, Hancock and I headed to the Glowing Sea to find Virgil. I only had one set of power armor to protect us from the deadly levels of radiation, so Preston stayed behind. Hancock, being a ghoul, had no problem sucking up all the rads you could throw at him, and Preston felt good about leaving me in his capable care. Regardless of what either one of them thought, I could take care of myself just fine, but it's not like I was adverse to the company. The wastes can be really lonely…

"So have you and the Minuteman started bangin' yet?"

"For fuck's sake, Hancock!" I looked behind me. The suburban settlement hadn't even disappeared from the horizon yet. "No! I don't have time to be romantically involved with anyone."

"Don't have time or _won't_ have time? Because you're pretty uptight. I think getting laid would do you some good."

Without warning, I tossed the power armor helmet at him and he caught it with ease. "Not all of us have to be whoring around all the time to be happy," I retorted as I shakily lit a cigarette. I didn't want to admit he had kinda struck a chord with me.

" _Are_ you happy?"

"Mostly. As much as I can be, anyway. That's all anyone can do."

He thumped a couple mentats into his mouth with his free hand. "I think you should just jump his bones, already."

"Jesus! Who even asked you?"

"All I'm saying is if you need me to give you guys more 'alone time,' just say the word. I ain't about to stand in the way of _true love_."

I took a deep drag and sighed out the smoke. "Why are you so intent on breaking my balls?"

"Fun. You do it to me all the time."

"What do you know about true love, anyway?"

I caught a glimpse of his smirk in my peripheral. "More than you'd think."


	2. Fix You

The Glowing Sea was much, much further than I had anticipated. I was starting to get worn down from the trip, and Hancock pulled my ass out of the fire on more than one occasion. I can admit that now, but I wouldn't have then. I absolutely abhor the idea of a damsel in distress.

Which is why I was in denial about how much it turned me on when Hancock would rescue me. Smack dab in the middle of all the radioactive nonsense, I almost fell victim to a swarm of feral ghouls in a church that had sunken into the golden landscape. The way he handled those ferals…and with only his knife…Goddamn that knife.

Once we were on our way back from our trip, we stopped to rest at a Minutemen settlement the three of us had pulled from the brink of disaster about a month earlier. It was a small community with no extra houses for us. Several people offered to take us in, but since it meant sleeping in our bedrolls on their living room floors, we opted to just set up in a tool shack. At least there we would have some privacy from the prying eyes of those who were not comfortable around Hancock's chem use…and ghoulish appearance.

I never understood that. This whole world was brand new to me, and I got past my hang ups about that already. How come the people that had lived their entire lives in this reality still had issues with ghouls?

After a couple drinks, I brazenly felt like we needed to discuss that.

"Oh, sweetheart, you have no idea," he said while sifting through his stash, carefully selecting his last ride for the night. "It's like humanity has some collective self-esteem issues, and the only way for the majority of them to feel better about themselves is to have someone to look down on." He settled on a syringe of med-x, pocketing the rest of the chems he had been palming. "As if things ain't bad enough for everyone already."

"That's just sad." I examined his features closely in the oil lanterns' soft light. Sure, his skin was damaged, but after all this time, traveling with him, I knew him pretty well. And when I looked at him, I no longer saw his blemishes. I saw compassion and goodness…and beauty. Why couldn't other people see that?

" _Beauty_?"

"What?"

Hancock gently took the bottle of vodka from me. "I think you've had enough to drink, tonight, sister." He took a cavalier swig from it before setting it on his far side away from me.

"Did I…?"

"Did you want?"

 _Did I say that out loud?_

"Compassion? I can see that. Goodness? Maybe, compared to some. But beauty?" He chuckled as he pushed in the plunger on the syringe. "Have you ever considered that you may have a drinking problem?"

"Me? What about you? I've never put a needle into my veins for anything recreational."

"Just stimpaks, I know. You ain't gotta tell me, love."

 _Love?_

The chems quickly took hold of him, massaging him into a relaxed posture as I watched with a hint of envy. "You seem like such a level-headed, laid back person. What drove you to chems anyhow?"

"Ah, just your regular everyday troubles. Everyone copes in different ways."

"You can tell me. I won't judge."

He gave me a warm smile. "I know you won't, Helena. It ain't anything interesting, that's what I'm telling ya. This reality ain't ideal for anyone, and I'm all for working towards change with the kinds of shit I've done for Goodneighbor and the shit we've done for the Minutemen, but those are small, slow changes. Sometimes, I want an immediate, big change to reality. An escape. That's all."

I finally started to feel the alcohol pushing me past comfortable, and the room started to spin. I scooted closer to him and laid my head on his shoulder. "Well, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, but please don't stop talking."

"You gonna be sick?" he asked somewhat playfully.

"No, not if you keep talking to me." I closed my eyes. "Your voice is so very…soothing."

He laughed softly. "Alright, love." He put an arm around my back. "What else would you like to hear about?"

"Anything. Everything you say is interesting."

He suddenly squeezed me to him tighter. "I'm damn lucky to have you for a friend, ya know that?"

"Just friends, huh?" _Where did that come from?_ An image of him lackadaisically slicing through those ferals flashed behind my eyelids and a warm shiver came over me.

"And _that_ ain't a term I throw around lightly." He had to have felt the quake that shook through me with as much of our bodies that were touching. "You and Preston are the best friends I've ever had."

Preston.

Preston was sweet and caring and stable, but he would never get that up close and personal in a fight.

* * *

We were barely at the peak of Sanctuary's bridge when I could already see Preston coming toward us. A smile stretched across my face and I quickened my pace a little. Once I was close enough, I reached out to give him a hug, but something happened.

He grabbed hold of me, yanking me to his chest and pressing his lips forcefully against mine. I dropped all the salvaged crap I was holding in shock. My body slowly relaxed and relented. _God, it felt so good to be kissed…_

Once we finally pulled apart, I looked up into his sparkling eyes. "Where did that come from?" I asked, nearly breathless.

"Helena, I missed you." He took hold of both my hands by my sides. "It took me almost the whole time you were gone to talk myself into doing that, but I've been wanting to do that for a long time."

"That was… I don't know what to say."

I saw the characteristic worry returning to his face. "I messed up, didn't I?"

I squeezed his hands tighter. "No. You didn't." He began to unwind a little, and I let go of him. "Come on. Let's drop this stuff off to Sturges so we can spend some more time together."

I looked around me as I picked up my things and panicked for a brief moment when I didn't see Hancock. Looking ahead of us, I could see he was already heading into the town bar without us. His words about true love rattled around in my brain, and for a moment, I was filled with a nonspecific doubt that I couldn't put my finger on.

But then Preston took my hand and started leading me down Sanctuary's road. It felt...nice. Really nice.

* * *

That wasn't the only time we kissed, of course. Preston and I were naturally inseparable after that. He stayed close to me constantly, and I enjoyed the little affectionate gestures and physical contact he would make with me. We never officially discussed our situation, but everyone automatically assumed we were a couple, and we never disputed them.

Hancock was reluctant to come back out into the Commonwealth with us, but we both insisted. He kept hinting at how he needed to get back to Goodneighbor. Eventually, he gave in and still came along with us, but he went out of his way whenever he could to give Preston and me alone time, which was usually spent cuddling between soft pecks and hand-holding. I was happy with things this way.

I remember it was right after we had taken out the Institute courser for its chip. We were camping in an abandoned building in Cambridge. That night, Hancock had made a point of making himself scarce. Preston and I were on our sleeping bags when he started kissing me more deeply and passionately than he had ever. He suddenly stopped and sat up.

I was confused by this. "What's the matter?"

"Can we talk?"

"What's on your mind?"

He took a deep breath. "I've been thinking back on how things were for me when we first met. It was the lowest point of my life. All of my closest friends were dead. Everything I had believed in turned out to be a lie. I'd failed everyone who had ever relied on me. I'd led them to Concord, and we had no hope of getting out of there alive. The thing is…that was actually okay with me. I was ready to die. It was what I felt I deserved. It was what I wanted."

My chest was filled with a sudden emptiness. "I never realized you'd lost hope like that."

"I had to put on a brave face as long as there were still people counting on me. That's the only reason I kept going. My point in all of this is that, well…you saved my life. And not just by saving us from all those raiders in Concord. I mean that you made me want to keep living again. I guess that sounds pretty sappy, but it's true."

I was speechless.

He continued. "I feel like I rushed things the first time I kissed you. And I feel like I only have one chance to not screw this up, but I'm afraid I may have already messed things up…"

"Why would you think that?"

"I love you, Helena, and I don't want to fail you, too. I mean, I feel like it's too soon for you…to have gotten over Nate.

"I don't have to stop loving him to be able to love you, too." That didn't come out the way it sounded in my head.

He smiled weakly. "You don't have to feel obligated to say you love me."

I caressed the side of his face. "How could I not? You've been absolutely lovely to me and a perfect gentleman."

His smile widened. "That means a lot to me."

"And you've been so patient with me and not pressuring me at all. I really appreciate it."

"You really mean that?"

"Yes, I do."

He put his hands on my waist rubbing me there. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If I am ever moving too fast for you, just let me know."

"Things are just perfect the way they are right now."

"And that's perfectly fine." He moved his arms around to my back and embraced me sweetly. "I'm glad we found each other. I hope you know that."

* * *

Soon, it was time for me to reconvene with Virgil in the Glowing Sea, and once more, I was going to have to leave Preston behind. Our goodbye this time was a bit longer. He just held me for a long moment while Hancock waited patiently by the bridge for us to tear away from each other.

"Don't take any unnecessary chances. I don't want to lose you."

"You worry too much. Hancock has my back." I looked over my shoulder at the ghoul. "Don't ya?"

He smiled. "You know it."

Preston gave me the most tender kiss I had ever received from him. Once he pulled out of it, he looked down at me wistfully. "Just be careful, babe."

"I will." With that, I stepped back into my power armor and gave him a final wave as Hancock and I strolled over the Sanctuary bridge.

We were the same distance away from the settlement as before when I noticed a smirk on Hancock's face. I turned my head toward him. "What?"

"Nothing."

"We're far enough away. You can go ahead and start busting my balls."

"No need." He dug his cigarettes out of his coat. "I think I already got the answer to my previous query."

"Yeah, ha ha. You know what happens when you assume things, right? You make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me.'"

"Really?" His interest seemed to spark in time with the tip of his cigarette. "That would explain why you're still so uptight."

"Oh, put a sock in it."

I didn't find myself heavy with thoughts of Preston as much as I would have expected. I was much too distracted…

The last time we made this trip, Hancock had opened up to me about how he came to leave Diamond City when his brother exiled all the ghouls from the fortified community. Long before that, he had told me the story of how he changed his persona when he found his historical clothes during some of the darkest days of his life. This trip, he admitted that he knew that the unfortunate chem that turned him ghoul was going to do just that. During the quiet stints of our journey, I couldn't quit thinking about his confessions. All the circumstances of his life had been leading him down a road of self-destruction, and I was enamored by how he managed to turn all that around and still come out a functional, moral individual with some pretty solid priorities.

Soon I was preoccupied with the feelings I was getting when Hancock would gut some unsuspecting raider or flay some soulless feral. A flicker of excitement would flit in my stomach every time he'd remove that bloody blade from his victim and give it a twirl before sliding it back in its home. So dangerous…so dexterous…

And then he would smile at me. He would smile, and I would melt.

I became concerned when it occurred to me that I didn't get that feeling from Preston.

Once we were on our way back, I was convinced I had made a mistake. Preston was a beautiful, wonderful person, and I sincerely loved him for it, but not romantically.

We were almost back to Sanctuary. After a particularly brutal battle with some super mutants, we were both badly bruised. We had just finished off the green behemoths and dragged ourselves out of the open into the remains of a diner to patch ourselves up.

I exited the wrecked power armor and dropped to the floor behind the front counter, leaning my back against it. Pushing through the pain of my mangled arm, I was struggling to keep my hand steady to administer a stimpak. Hancock had not yet attended to any of his own wounds when he came over to me, gently taking the bulky needle from my trembling fingers.

"Here, love. Let me get that for ya." I began to breathe easier nearly instantaneously as he pushed in on the plunger.

His ruined face was so very close to mine, and I badly wanted to kiss him. I could never be so bold, though, even if I wasn't already involved with Preston. I was just so unsure of myself. I looked at him adoringly as he removed the stim and began to bandage my shoulder for me. "I'm fine," I assured him. "You should take care of yourself first."

"I will soon enough." Finishing up, he sat back against the counter beside me and administered a stimpak to himself. "If you ain't adverse to it, I got some extra pain meds."

I declined with a wave.

"Suit yourself," he said as he took a hit of med-x. "One of these days, I'm gonna get you to do some chems with me."

I laughed. "Not today, though."

"Ya know, despite how close we came to meeting our maker back there, I'd say we did good."

"We got pulverized," I said with a half-smile.

"Yeah, but we triumphed. That's all that matters. The rest is just details and drug paraphernalia." He looked over at me, giving me the other half to complete my smile. "We make a damn good team."

"We do, actually." I awkwardly averted my gaze from his astral black eyes. I knew this was going to eat me up inside if I didn't try. "Have you ever thought of us as maybe …more than that?" My stomach was doing flips in the long pause before his reply came.

"Yeah… but that's a given when ya got me around." He was quiet for a long moment. It felt like days, or maybe even longer. "I don't mean no harm by it. And I don't want that to affect what we got."

I wasn't immediately discouraged by his response. It was the right thing to say in his position, but that didn't mean it was the final answer. "I understand why you would say that, but are you really going to deny that we have something between us?"

"I ain't gonna deny that. But that's also why I ain't gonna act on any of my impure thoughts. It could ruin everything."

"Or enhance it," I interjected.

"C'mon. You don't want to be stuck with this ugly mug," he said with the intent of light-hearted damage control.

I finally turned to face him once more. I was avoiding eye contact before that because of my own insecurities, but I felt I needed to prove to him I was serious. "That's hardly any concern of mine."

"Truly, I know you're a good person and that that shit don't matter to you, but I have many other flaws that eventually would. And then we'd fall out and not be friends anymore. I ain't out to lose the closest friend I got for a good lay, however delicious I imagine it would be."

"See, that's not going to work for me," I said with a shake of my head. "I think I'm in love you."

" _Think?_ " He huffed a light laugh that was littered with uncertainty. "That's why I'm here to talk you out of it. I appreciate the sentiment, sister, but I'm tellin' ya, you ain't."

"No, John, I am."

His brow curled inward at the sound of his first name, and his eyes glassed over. He suddenly looked down and away from me. "Ain't you forgetting about Preston?"

I sighed. "No, I haven't. That's why it was so hard for me to start this conversation in the first place."

"You two seem to have a really good connection, ya know? It ain't wise to throw something like that away. Especially not for someone like me."

"I care very deeply for him. But I'm not _in_ love with him. I'm in love with –"

He waved dismissively, still turned away from me. "Yeah, I heard ya the first time, Helena. Please don't do this. Please…"

His imploration tugged at my heart sharply. "I mean, I'm not sure what you would technically classify my relationship with Preston, but whatever it is, I'm willing to break it off for you."

"Regardless of the outcome of this conversation, if you don't love Preston, you should break it off anyway. That ain't fair to him."

"I _do_ love him… I just love you more."

He pulled out a cigarette and just twisted it in his fingers for a long time.

I felt I had to keep talking or I'd miss my chance with him. "Look, what I'm trying to say is… I was lonely. I had lost everything in my entire world all of a sudden out of nowhere. Preston is a really good guy. He wanted to be with me, and the attention was nice. I really needed that. But then there's you. You had me entranced the moment I laid eyes on you. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you ever since. I'm thoroughly impressed with everything I've seen you do and everything you stand for. I kind of felt like with your history and reputation that I didn't stand a chance with you, but I realize now I should have tried. And that's why I'm trying now, before it's too late. Before you become the one that got away because I was too chicken shit to tell you how I feel."

Eventually, having never lit his square, he stood up.

Panic stabbed at my chest. "Where are you going?"

He started toward the door without looking back. "For a walk."

I kept biting back tears, even after he was gone. Being left alone in the aftermath, a few managed to squeeze through, though. I wasn't ready to accept his no. I felt like this was bullshit, and he knew it, too. There was definitely a spark between us.

I could see myself being happy with Preston, but I could see myself being happier with Hancock. No one had ever made me feel so excited and alive. And I could tell our time together made him happy, too. His past had been so tragic… I wanted to hold him and show him everything's not lost. Why couldn't he just let me?

I wanted to dry it up before he got back, but he wasn't gone nearly as long as I expected. I was full on streaked with the salty streams when he returned, and the stern look on his face softened when he saw me.

He knelt down by my side and embraced me. "Hey, shhh, don't do that. I still care about you, Helena."

"But," I gasped in between swallowed sobs, "have you changed your mind about us?"

He sighed. "No. I don't wanna lose my best friend."

"You won't." _Kiss him. Maybe that'll change his mind._

"I'm sure I'm making the right call, here. You'll feel better about it later. I promise."

I choked on my stifled cries. "No, I won't." _Kiss him, now, before it's too late._

"Sure you will." He pulled back and wiped away some of my tears. "I'll still be here for you, and you're still my most beloved friend, alright?"

I nodded. Not because I agreed with his decision, but because I knew it's what he wanted from me. There was no sense in both of us feeling like heart-broken shit.


	3. Warning Sign (Amsterdam)

I was another step closer to finding Shaun. I already had a looming anxiety of anticipated rejection from him, and now I had another level of emotionally shattered to add to that. And I had to play it off like nothing was wrong in order to keep Preston from knowing how I put us on the line for a chance with Hancock. Why didn't I listen to my better judgement and avoid getting involved with anyone altogether? Now I had other people's emotions tied up in mine, and I was in danger of breaking them because of my impatience and selfishness. I was really not in a good place mentally to be making those kinds of decisions, and I shouldn't have put myself in this position, but it was too late.

Hancock and I continued to Sanctuary in uncomfortable silence. He was so concerned about our friendship being ruined, but it looked to me like it already was.

At least all the quiet gave me lots of time to think, but it didn't feel like I was getting anywhere with my thoughts. I was an emotional wreck, and my mind was too clouded to make sense of things. I desperately wanted to do the right thing, but I wasn't sure what the right thing was. Maybe Hancock was right. Maybe I should break it off with Preston. But then he would be just as miserable as I was. Shouldn't someone get to be happy amidst all this bullshit?

I was still undecided on the best course of action when we made it back to the settlement. I didn't see Preston outside when we arrived. I knew he was there somewhere, and I knew I couldn't avoid him for long, but I was grateful to have a chance to get a minute alone after all that. As Hancock continued straight to the bar like we usually did after a long trip, I hung a left to my house without a word to him. I could sense he had stopped and looked after me when I parted from him, but he didn't dare follow.

Shutting my front door behind me, I pushed my back up against it and tossed my helmet aside, rubbing at my face. _Think, Helena, before Preston comes looking for you!_

After a couple breathes, I exited the power armor frame and proceeded to my bedroom to set my things down, knowing I could think better once I was out of my leather armor and more comfortable. In the hallway, random pale blue foliage caught my eye on the floor. I turned the corner into the doorway and my jaw dropped. Preston was standing there with a handful of hubflowers. More bouquets were arranged throughout, and piles of the icy-hued petals were scattered all over the place.

"Welcome home, babe." His face was alit with an excited smile as he handed me the flowers.

I automatically reached for the blossoms, staring down at them in awe. He lifted my face back up to his gaze with a finger under my chin. Stunned and only more torn than ever, I still hadn't uttered a word when he leaned in to kiss me. He pushed into it deeper, and I didn't have the heart to stop him. Before I knew it, he was guiding me to the bed.

 _He's so sweet… How can I stop this without hurting him?_

I was going along with things, expecting the words to come to me eventually. We were both sitting on the edge of the mattress when he slowly began to remove my armor. _That's fine, I was going to do that anyway…_

He paused once he had gotten that far. "Is something wrong, Helena?"

"Yeah. I mean no, not exactly."

"We don't have to do this if you're not ready."

I placed my hands on either side of me and leaned forward. "I don't think…" _Where are the words? The ones that aren't going to hurt him?_ "I know it will be wonderful, and I really want to."

"You do?"

"Yes, really…. I just think… I probably won't be ready for this until I get married again, ya know?"

"Wait. Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

I nodded. _There. That's just crazy enough that now maybe he'll break up with me._

"Helena, there is nothing I would want more."

"What?" I don't think we were on the same page at all.

"I never thought you would… If you really mean it, I will happily marry you."

 _Oh no._

Next thing I knew, he was dragging me by the hand across the street to the bar.

"Wait, Preston, wait!"

He stopped in the middle of the road. "What is it, babe?"

"Can we just… Let's not tell anyone yet. Let's wait and think this over, okay?"

"You mean like, until we have plans in place?"

"Yyyeah."

He squeezed me one good time. "Sure. I can do that for you." He smiled that same big smile I first saw at the Third Rail. "We'll do everything how you want. It will be great."

 _How did I manage to just make things worse?_

We walked into the tavern, and I scanned the room for Hancock. I didn't see him anywhere. At the bar, Preston ordered us a couple drinks. When Rocko the bartender rushed to the other end of the bar for glasses, I followed, grabbing a handful of his shirt. "Has Hancock been in here?" I asked urgently.

"Yeah. He squared up his tab. Said he was going back to Goodneighbor."

 _Fuck._

* * *

The upcoming days while I was looking for a way to reverse the damage I had done, I was also balls deep in building a teleporter with Sturges that would get me inside the Institute to look for Shaun. So it was safe to say, I wasn't giving my situation with Preston my full attention. I had a lot on my mind.

I had a lot on my mind and still managed to keep thinking about Hancock. I hate that he ran off like that, but at least I knew where to find him. I would get to see him again. I just didn't know when, and it hurt.

Day one of working on the teleporter was a constant stream of jumbled anxiety. I couldn't work out or address any one single issue.

Day two of working on the teleporter, I managed to convince myself it was too soon to be anxious about finding Shaun, and was able to save that worry until the teleporter was finished. It was still a long way from finished. Couple weeks at least, and that's if I didn't come across any missing parts in the process.

Day three, my thoughts yo-yoed back and forth between Preston and Hancock.

Day four, I started to get mad at Hancock for leaving without saying anything to me.

Day five, the thought hit me that Hancock was an unreliable junkie that runs at the first sight of a problem, and soon, I was going to have my ten year-old son with me. It didn't matter what was good for me. As a parent, all that mattered was what was best for my son, and yeah, Preston fit the bill. Before the day was out, I pulled Preston aside and gave him the necklace I wore with Nate's wedding band on it.

I put it on over his head.

"Are you sure about this? We haven't discussed it again since the first time it came up."

I smiled. "Yeah. Just wear it as a necklace for now, as a symbol of our engagement. I don't want to make it official until Shaun is back and we're sure this is going to work out with the three of us. But if you are still feeling it, I don't mind if you tell people."

And he did. Day six was full of passing congratulations from the settlers shouted to me up on my ladder where I was working on getting electrical wires attached to the top of the teleporter.

Day seven, I took a much needed break.

Day eight, I was back to work on my project when I heard that familiar gravel behind me. "What are you doing, Helena?"

I froze, unsure if I really heard what I thought I heard. It was Hancock's voice alright, but this wasn't a "hey, how are you doing today" greeting. This was a venomous, chiding "what the fuck are you doing."

I slowly backed down off the ladder, and I barely had a foot on the ground when he was pulling me quickly aside by my arm. He took us out of the town's view behind the tall bushes on the back side of the lot I was building on, nudging me into the fence by my shoulder.

"Nice to see you, too, Hancock," I said with bitter sarcasm as my back hit the wood.

He spoke in a harsh hiss, keeping his tones quiet enough to be unheard by any nearby settlers, but still fierce enough to be piercing. "After all that shit you said to me back there, you're _engaged_ to Preston?!"

 _Word travels fast, I suppose._ "What do you care? You shot me down, remember?"

"Yeah, well, I didn't know you were gonna _marry_ him!"

I smirked, feeling a little empowered by this display of weakness. "Having a change of heart?"

He exhaled with sharpness, looking to the side briefly. "No, Helena. That ain't what this is."

My shoulders shrugged. "Then exactly what is it?"

"You know what? Forget about whatever 'feelings' you claim to have for me. What you're doing is wrong."

"How? You think I'm just supposed to be alone because you don't want to be with me?"

"No! You told me yourself you ain't in love with him. If that's true, what you're doing to him is extremely fucked up."

"I do love him. Preston's a good man, and he's going to be a good father figure for Shaun. You aren't even 'the marrying kind.' He's a really good option."

"Fuck, Helena, you don't _have_ to be with someone! You're capable of raising Shaun on your own. You shouldn't string that poor guy along just so you don't have to be alone. That's hurtful and selfish."

"Is that what you want for me? For me to be a lonely, single mom so you can 'preserve' our friendship? Now who's being selfish?"

"That ain't even the same thing."

"It is from my point of view. Let's see," I said looking up out of the corner of my eyes dramatically. "Denying your true feelings to hurt yourself and possibly someone else in the process because of some arbitrary excuse." I brought my focus back to his dark gaze. "Yeah, sounds exactly the same."

"Fuck, Helena! That ain't what I – What's wrong with you?!"

"I deserve to try and find happiness somewhere, even if it isn't perfect or complete or ideal. I'm trying to make the best out of a bad situation." I pushed myself off of the fence and took a couple steps away. "It sounds to me that you have a problem with me not grieving enough over your rejection. Well, the truth is, I'm pretty fucking broken up about it. You're just going to have to take my word on it since I'm not outwardly putting on a show of being broken hearted for you. It wouldn't have even mattered if I did since you didn't stick around to watch. Sorry if I didn't inflate your ego enough." With that, I left.

As I walked back to the lot, I heard the recognizable hiss of an inhaler being emptied behind me. _See? I did do the right thing._

* * *

I tried my best to get back to work on the project, but I was all buzzing with ire. _Who did he think he was? Like he knows what's best for me. He barely has his own life together._

After losing several screws through the cracks and jamming my thumb with a hammer, I decided I was in no shape to continue working. I abandoned my work for the day to catch up with Preston.

When I found him, he was in our living room with Hancock sitting next to him on the couch. _Oh, for fuck's sake…_

For a brief moment, I was filled with panic, thinking he was there to 'expose' me. But then Preston greeted me with a smile. "Hey, babe! Look who came back."

"Oh, we already caught up a little bit before I came here," Hancock said being nonchalant.

 _So, I guess this is a game to him_.

I was glaring at him with folded arms when Preston came over to me, giving me a peck on the cheek. "He's been here talking to me for a while, and he has been insisting on throwing us an engagement party at the Third Rail."

He smiled slyly. "Everything will be on me. You won't have to worry 'bout a thing."

"No, thanks," I replied. "I really need to stay close to Sanctuary so I can get this teleporter done ASAP."

Hancock joined us in standing. "Well, I'm already here, so we'll just have the party in Sanctuary. Your bar ain't as swanky as mine, but it ain't half bad."

Preston perked up. "That sounds fun. Tonight good for you?"

"Anytime is good for a party, brother," he remarked.

I was in no mood for a party, but I had a feeling my protests would fall on deaf ears. "Yeah, sure. Why not?"

* * *

Hancock left right away to "make preparations." I put on my blue denim dress and headed across the street with Preston when the sun started getting low on the horizon. Everyone who wasn't on watch that night had made it to the bar by dark. Rocko kept the jukebox fed and the kegs flowing. I wasn't stable enough at the moment to get drunk, and I knew it, so I declined every drink that was offered to me throughout the night.

Hancock looked like he had already started the party hours before, swaying unsteadily and barely able to stand. Staying by Preston's side, I tried not to pay him any mind, but I kept catching myself staring. His exaggerated gestures and boisterous laughter were hard to ignore.

Preston was engaged in some shoptalk with another Minuteman when I caught sight of Hancock creeping past the ability to take care of himself. He was teetering on the edge of a stool, an inch shy of completely losing his balance. I instinctively darted over to him, putting an arm behind his back.

"Heeey, Helena," he said in barely distinguishable syllables that rose in pitch.

"Hey, Hancock. Why don't you come sit on the couch with me, huh?"

"Yeah, alright, let me just get my drink…" he reached across the bar, knocking over several mostly empty bottles as he reached for an almost full one.

I snatched it up when his fingers were within inches of it. "I'll get that for you. You just concentrate on walking."

"Okay."

As soon as he was distracted, I handed the bottle to Rocko and made the cut off gesture across my throat. He acknowledged my meaning with a nod.

It took both arms and all my strength to keep Hancock upright for the walk across the bar to the couch in the corner. He collapsed heavily onto it, catching himself with his arm across the back. I sat down next to him and straightened him out. "I know you didn't get this messed up off beer." I smoothed the edges of his coat. "What else have you had?"

"A little ah that, a little ah this." He reached in his pocket and pulled out several needles. "Mostly these. Ya know why?"

"Why?"

"Cuz they're for pain. I'm a little hurt." He pushed up his sleeve and started to poise one at his arm.

"Wait!"

"What?"

"…Can I have some?" I held out my palm.

"Really?!" He dropped all the needles over my palm, and I closed my fingers around them. "You can have it all, Helena. It's all yours."

"Thank you." I discreetly pocketed them.

He leaned toward me, staring intently in my face with a half dazed, half amused look. After several long moments, he slurred, "Weeell?"

"Well what?"

"Ya gonna shoot up or what?"

"Maybe in a little bit."

"Pffft." He fell back against the couch. "What a crock. I shoulda known you were fuckin' with me."

I looked out across the bar at all the happy, drunk assholes I was surrounded by. "You know what?"

He leaned his head over the back of the couch, his eyes mostly closed and his hat sliding to one side. "Hmm?"

"I think I will."

He pushed his hat, overcompensating and making it crooked in the opposite direction. "Yeah, veeery funny. I'm pretty fucked up right now, but I ain't stupid."

I pulled one back out. "No, I'm serious."

His head bobbed forward. "Are you, now?" The melody had returned to his voice in that last statement with no noticeable slur. His heightened interest gave him a portion of his sobriety back.

I was just staring down at it.

 _It's just one dose. It's perfectly reasonable to take one dose for medical reasons, and it's perfectly reasonable for people to drink their weight in liquor for recreational purposes, so why isn't it reasonable to take one dose of med-x recreationally instead of getting drunk?_

"Yeah… I am."

"Here." He pulled a length of medical tubing out of his pocket. "If you're gonna do that, do it right." After tying the tubing around my arm, he took the syringe from me and tapped the tip, pushing the air out. "Ya want me to inject it for ya?"

"No, thanks." I grabbed it from him. "I have very little faith in your motor-skills right now, and I only want one hole in my skin."

"Hey, no reason to get nasty."

I took a quick look around to make sure no one was watching. All clear, I used every bit of care and precision I was capable of to push the needle into my vein. Confident I was in the right place, I quickly pushed the plunger in and pulled the needle back out. I took a breath and leaned back next to Hancock. "When does it start working?"

My eyes were drawn to the sight of his rough finger slowly tracing up my arm, and I instinctively held my breath in anticipation. I could barely feel his touch, but I still managed to form goosebumps.

His half-lidded raven-dark eyes also followed the sensual trail he was making up my arm. "Right…about…" He gently worked one fingertip under the tubing, releasing it with the ease of an expert. "Now."

The rubber came off with a subtle pop, and I gasped as the chem coursed through my veins, spreading further with every heartbeat, which I was now critically aware of. "Oh…my…god…"

Hancock let his hand drop down beside me on the couch and laced his fingers in mine. "Thank you for letting me share this moment with you."

Euphoria is hardly a strong enough word to describe what was happening. Everything – and I mean everything – was perfect. The whole world. All of its problems and mine. Everything felt wonderful, and I was content to just sit on that couch with Hancock holding my hand as long as I could. I didn't want it to end.

Once the initial shock wore off, I lazily turned my head to him, still reclined against the couch. "This is amazing, you know."

"I do, actually."

"Yeah, I could see why you do this all the time."

"It ain't gonna be as amazing next time, just so ya know. So don't go forming any habits."

"Okay." I blinked slowly. "Do you wanna talk?"

"Yeah. About what?"

"Anything. Just moving my mouth feels good."

"You think that's great, you should try smoking a cigarette."

I took his advice and lit one. That first drag was pure heaven, and I'll be damned if every one after that wasn't just as good. I let out a satisfied moan.

He chuckled. "I kinda envy you right now. It's been years since I got to feel like you do."

"So why keep doing it?"

"Eh, even the small highs are better than none. Sobriety is kinda intolerable once you've gotten accustomed to living with a constant stream of chems."

My thoughts were flowing from one insignificant thing to the next, but all of it felt gravely important. "Do people still keep pet fish?"

" _Pet_ fish? No…"

"Good. It used to make me sad. This creature that would usually have the entire ocean at its disposal being kept in a tiny glass house full of an artificially created environment, just kind of…existing…and for what purpose?"

"Shit, how is that any different than any of us? We surround ourselves with the artificial crap of our choosing, never leave this arbitrarily defined radius, and just exist. Shit is constantly trying to kill us, and we resist for some reason."

He caressed the spaces between my fingers with his. "That's why I'm so happy you came along. You pulled me out of my comfort zone and gave me all these opportunities to improve life for the people of the Commonwealth on a larger scale than just Goodneighbor. So I ain't just existing, and the existence of others in their little glass houses is marginally better. Because of us."

We spoke of great things for the duration of the party. Life, karma, the cosmos… Don't ask me specifically, though, because I can't remember. All I remember was one huge, pleasant blur like floating on a cloud. I was still having a blissful head rush, but I was over the peak when I realized that the place was starting to clear out. I only noticed because a faded Preston came over and gave me a kiss on the forehead goodnight before stumbling out of the bar.

Once Preston was gone, I turned to Hancock. "Are you going to stay at our house, tonight?"

"Fuck, I guess. I ain't really gave it much thought." He sat up and looked around, noticing the same emptiness that I did. "Come outside with me." He stood up and held his hand out for me.

It was the first time I had stood up since this all began, and a fresh rush washed over me once I was on my feet. We moved with painfully calculated steps to the door, both of us still a bit unstable.

Once we were outside in the moonlight, he lead me to the rusty swing set by the river. We each sat in a swing, and like a couple of little kids, we swung and laughed without a care in the world. Not too long in, though, he dug both feet into the ground and stopped abruptly, the force knocking his tricorn hat off.

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing."

I came off of my swing and picked up his hat, bringing it over and putting it back on for him.

I looked up at the sparkling sky and got a little dizzy. While I was preoccupied with the stars, I suddenly felt warm arms around me. Coming back to Earth, I found myself being pulled into a rocking embrace by Hancock in his best attempt at a slow dance in our inebriated state.

I instinctively scanned the town, but no one else was around. "What are you doing?" I asked in a whisper.

"Dancin'."

"I know but… why?"

"Fun."

 _Oh, fuck it._ I allowed myself to fall into step.

"You really are my best friend," he told me. His hands wrapped further around my back. "We coulda been more…"

I held him tighter and put my mouth by his ear. "You don't get to do that, John. I gave you a chance."

He inhaled harshly. "I know."

He continued to guide us in sluggish circles for a while. I enjoyed every second of it, even though I knew I shouldn't. It felt like the most important moment of my life at the time, even though I knew better.

When I heard the slam of the bar's door where Rocko must have been locking up, I pulled away very suddenly, looking guilty.

Hancock slumped, drawing his gaze downward and reaching for my hand once more. "I think I fucked up. I shouldn't have… I shoulda told you…"

"Hey, we've had a really good night. Don't ruin it."

He kept looking at our joined hands. "I shouldn't have shot you down."

I felt a new fracture in my heart and started pulling him across the field. "You're just really fucked up right now. Let's get you to bed."


	4. X&Y

_"I want you to give me a chance to prove to you that the Institute really is humanity's best hope for the future. We are on the verge of great scientific breakthroughs, and your presence here would be appreciated as we approach them. You have a chance to help. Isn't that what you want?"_

Of all the shit I foresaw being a problem, I never could have imagined this clusterfuck. Once I was inside the Institute and had what was left of my world shattered, saying I was at odds would be a gross understatement.

All this time, there was no Shaun. Only "Father" – an old man leading the Commonwealth's greatest enemy to an almost certain destructive victory over what little I found dear in my new life. Everything was fucked.

Shaun had faith in my loyalty towards him as his family, providing me with a living space, amenities, and an opportunity to prove my not-yet professed devotion to his faction. I hid away in my new shower, letting loose all of the sorrow I had been bottling up in hopes that the rushing water would drown out my bawling to anyone who might hear. I had nothing left.

Among the perks he had bestowed upon me was a newly installed chip in my pip-boy that allowed me to come and go as I please. I found the upgraded device returned to my living quarters once I finally left the shower. Wrapped in a towel, I sat on my pristine bed and just stared at the pip-boy laying on my nightstand. I could go anywhere with the push of a button. Anywhere but where I wanted to go. I couldn't return to the past before all this bullshit happened. I couldn't go to outer space or some other plane of existence. I couldn't use the thing to disappear into glorious oblivion.

I got dressed and reattached the pip-boy on my arm. Of all the places I _could_ go with that thing, there was really only one place I wanted to be. Without giving it a second thought, I input the command and held my breath, closing my eyes as the bright blue blaze blinded me.

When I opened my eyes, I was in an alley in Goodneighbor. This is what I had aimed for, so no one would see my jarringly flashy entrance. I made my way to the State House up to the top floor…

And there was Hancock, exactly where I hoped to find him, standing over the desk in his office. He hadn't noticed my presence yet when I came through the threshold, shutting the door behind me.

He looked up at the sound of the door latching closed. "Helena?" I crossed the room to him, and he stood up straight. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

I was feeling a pang of hopelessness trying to push tears out of my eyes. My extremities ached with the urge to break things, to find a way to get this pain out of me, to destroy something beautiful for the sake of disrupting everyone else's ennui at the height of my sorrow. Instead, I grabbed Hancock's face with both hands and pulled him into a kiss.

He didn't resist. His slipped his fingers into my hair at the base of my neck. His other hand slid around my back, pulling me closer. Air swept across my face from the unfortunate hole where his nose should be at the sharp inhale he took as he tilted his head to one side, pressing his lips harder into mine.

 _This is what kissing should be._

Euphoria comparable to the luscious chems we had shared together began to take hold of me as he parted his lips and caressed my tongue with his.

 _I want it bad…_

All the reasons I shouldn't be doing this faded into the background as forgettable white noise.

 _I want it now…_

Tangled in each other, he walked me backwards to the couch, slowly pushing me horizontal with all the subtle nudges of his physical desire. With his knees straining the cushions between my thighs, he started bringing his mouth down my neck in tender kisses and nibbles, each becoming more aggressive than the last. My arousal rose with every added touch. I snaked my legs around his waist and ran my hands up his back, bundling the loose fabric of his coat into my fists. With a brief tug at the velvety cloth, the growing hardness in his pants suddenly pressed at the soft flesh between my legs, eliciting a quiet gasp from me.

He drew back, his face over mine. "Why is this happening, Helena?"

"Because I want you," I replied breathlessly, impatient for him to engulf me once more.

"What about Preston?"

"Please, don't…" I navigated a hand down to his crotch, putting light pressure on the impressive bulge with my eager palm. "Just…"

He melted at the touch, a light groan rumbling from his chest. "Fuck…"

"Just forget about all that for a little while."

He sat up on his knees, looking at me with undeniable longing and conflict as he dug frustrated fingernails into the couch's back. He very suddenly and frantically removed his coat and flung the loosely-tied flag from around his waist aside. "You have all of thirty seconds to get undressed if you want this to happen," he said with extra rasp in his voice as he moved down to the closure of his pants. "Before I think better of it."

I didn't waste a second arguing, pulling off and tossing articles of my clothing to the floor. As I was getting ready to remove my pants, I looked up at the ghoul standing over me with one knee leaning on the couch. I instinctively gasped at the sight of his fully revealed head-to-toe ruined skin, immediately regretting not stifling it.

His eyelids slid half-closed in annoyance along down with the corners of his mouth. "Your thirty seconds is almost up."

I yanked my pants down as fast as I could, flopping back onto the couch under him, hoping my speed would cancel out my objectionable reaction a moment ago.

Apparently it sufficed. He grabbed hold of my legs and dragged his palms up to my thighs. A moment later, I threw my arms over my head and clutched onto the arm of the couch behind me in response to him grabbing my ass and lifting it higher, bringing his face between my thighs. His closeness added to the already unbearable heat I was giving off. My body shuddered in pleasure, having long forgotten what this was like.

His warm, moist tongue washed over my button, stroking it into an almost numb frenzy on the surface, the sensations striking me from deep within. I felt myself getting wet as my core tensed up with the pining to feel him inside me.

"Hancock…" I breathed out almost inaudibly.

His response to the sound of his name was a low moan into me, adding extra vibrations to the already ridiculously worked up area. I arched my back, almost overcome by the feeling of it.

He lowered me back to the cushions, traveling further up and past my valley to my midriff with one long stroke of his tongue. He transitioned into kisses as he continued his path up my form, his hands closely following the trail his mouth was making, leading all the attention to my breasts. I writhed, every touch feeling like he was awakening some imprisoned feeling or isolated nerve long forgotten. It was like he was freeing me from unseen shackles. I needed this… I needed…

 _I can't believe that it took me this long._

"I need you," I said with unintentional desperation.

"Fuck, Helena…" He moaned, rolling his head back for a moment as he basked in the enjoyment of that phrase.

I pulled his face close to mine. "Now."

He smiled with an exhale, and his voice poured out with the most gentle, gratifying inflection. "Of course, love." He drew his hips closer to mine, and his powerfully swollen member just barely grazed my thigh before he positioned himself at my throbbing entrance. With one, deliberately smooth stroke, he pushed himself in, parting me with all the delicious friction and ingress one could hope for.

Every inch deeper he got sent me spiraling further and further away from this miserably obscene realm to unadulterated paradise. Deeper and deeper still…

"Oh my god..." My words choked out in shock at how far inside he was. It was a brand new sensation for me, having literally never been touched _there_.

"Hancock…" This cry was a bit louder than the last.

He drew back and sank into me again with his white-hot heat, this time losing a little of his composure as my muscles tightened around him. He paused to allow a shudder accompanied by a groan to pass through him. "This ain't Sanctuary, love. You can scream louder than that."

I grabbed his biceps. "Then make me scream."

 _This is the eye of the storm…_

That same shudder brushed over him again as his eyes momentarily slid upward.

 _It's what men in stained raincoats pay for…_

Finding himself, he brought his gaze back to me and locked his dark eyes with mine. "You fuckin' asked for it."

 _But in here, it is pure_

With one hand braced on the back of the couch and the other grabbing onto my hip, he began thrusting up into me at a whole new angle, causing my ragdoll body wracked in pleasure to wrench in circles off the cushions with every plunge. I was holding back my cries so he wouldn't think I was faking them, but I was losing it…

Whether by chance or skill, he had found my most vulnerable point, and he was driving himself into it relentlessly, rattling me like I never had been before.

 _This is the end of the line._

I began to pulse around him, and my brain completely shut down. All I knew was that primitive pulsing. "Oh, Hancock!"

Obviously pleased with the cry he had evoked, his flawlessly choreographed strokes evolved into madcap stabs, as he crashed into me over and over, his own repressed grunts and moans growing in volume. With his final blow, he called out my name, giving my arousal one last spike before it was all said and done, and he folded over onto my chest, spilling inside me.

My trembling arms reached out for him, pulling him as tightly to me as I could with what little strength hadn't been drained from me. After a couple labored breaths, he returned my embrace. As we lay in a panting heap like that, I was in equal parts disbelief and ecstasy over what had just happened.

I knew the ecstasy had run out when I felt a tear trickle down my cheek. I didn't want to let him go. "I love you, John."

"Helena…" He delayed finishing that thought.

 _Oh, no._

He sighed. "I've fallen for ya. Hard."

 _That's not the same thing as "I love you," though…_

He sat up and dug through his clothes for his cigarettes. When he found them, he perched one in his lips and held the pack out to me. I took one, and he lit it for me before lighting his own.

He visibly relished that first drag before turning his attention to me once more. "Are you going back to him?"

I wasn't ready for this discussion. "Just for now."

He started pulling his pants on. "Wrong answer." I caught my shirt with one hand as he tossed it to me. "Either you're leaving him or you're staying with him, but I ain't playin' this backdoor man bullshit."

"I'm going to end things with him, John, I swear. I just have to find the right way to do it. He's very sensitive, and it's going to break him."

"I fucking knew better." He stood up from the couch.

"You don't understand! I want to be with you! I just… I don't want to hurt him."

"It doesn't matter what you do now, Helena. Someone is going to get hurt. It's up to you who gets the bullet. And if it were me, I'd rather you just be straight-fucking-forward about it instead of keeping my feelings in suspense."

"It's not so simple. All of the Minutemen's shit is tied up in this, too."

"Well, you probably should have thought about that before you jumped in bed with Preston."

"You're the only one I've jumped in bed with, Hancock!"

He turned away from me. "You should leave."

I just sat there in defiance.

"Now!"

I dejectedly threw the bare minimum of my clothes back on, carrying the rest in my arms, and headed across the room, pausing at the door. "I'll be back one day, Hancock. If you care about me at all, you'll wait for me."

He took the last drag from his cigarette and let the filter fall to the floor, snuffing it with his boot. "We'll see."


	5. Death and All His Friends

I put the rest of my gear back on and headed down to the Third Rail for a drink. Sitting alone at the bar, I waited until I was properly buzzed before returning to Sanctuary.

As I stepped wearily through the door of my house, Preston stood to greet me. "How did it go? Did you find Shaun?"

I just stared down at the space between my boots.

"What's the matter, babe?"

"We should talk."

….

He did not take it well. I didn't tell him about the Institute. I didn't even tell him about Hancock, but he did _not_ take it well.

I cannot stress that enough. He did not take it well.

As soon as I was able to tear myself away from that situation, I returned to Goodneighbor. As I climbed the stairs in the Old State House, I felt like a little bit of weight was being lifted from me with every step closer to the top I got. Once I arrived at the door to the office, I reached for the handle with anticipation of the new chapter of my life I was about to open. I hated hurting Preston like that, but it had to be done. Sure, I was off to a shaky start, but in time, things would get better.

I pushed those double doors open, but Hancock wasn't there. I came back out into the hall and grabbed Fahrenheit's attention. "Where is he?"

She just shrugged.

I frantically searched through the city streets and found no sign of him.

 _This can't be happening…_

I asked around, and no one knew where he went. He hadn't said a word to anyone. He just… disappeared. He ran away. Just like he always does.

I waited. I waited there for days. He didn't come back.

…

I went back to doing Minutemen duties. No matter how many times I rescued some settlement that needed help, they always managed to get in trouble again. Not to mention how awkward things were between Preston and me. It was a nightmare.

With time, I got over the loss of my son, but I was still at a loss on what to do about the Institute, and a solution never came. No matter how much I built up and strengthened the Minutemen, there was never a clear cut opportunity for us to do something about them. I was starting to wonder if I had thrown in with the wrong faction.

Every so often, I would check in back at Goodneighbor, but Hancock still hadn't returned. I kept leaving messages there with people for him in case he came back in my absence, but he never got any of them.

It had been a couple years, and not much had changed in the Commonwealth. I finally came to terms with the fact that Hancock was gone for good and started patching things up with Preston. We slowly started getting close again, and eventually, we got married. Time went on, and things were pretty good.

Too good.

Preston was off scouting out the location of an old Minutemen base for the possibility of restoring it, and I had stayed behind in Sanctuary working on some projects with Sturges. At the end of the day, I returned to my house alone to settle in for the night.

I flipped on the living room lights and headed back to the bedroom to change. When I emerged from the hallway, I almost lost it.

There was Hancock, standing in the middle of my living room. We both just stood there, staring at each other in silence while every emotion I had ever felt in my life took a turn racing through my rapidly beating heart.

"Hey, Helena."

"Hey, Hancock."

The air was heavy. I felt like I was drowning in it.

He smiled that smile I was ever-so weak for. "Did ya miss me?"

…

…

…

 _And in the end, we lie awake_

 _And we dream of making our escape._


End file.
